I was being chauffeured into work this morning by a junior colleague (read: was being given a lift to work by one of my mates because my 22 year old ode to failed joint ventures between British and Japanese engineering blew up during the course of my regular 22 km commute to the thoroughly uninspiring suburb of Box Hill), and I had the misfortune of passing a dimwit in a Holden Commodore… only it wasn’t a Holden Commodore, because this genius had gone to the trouble of removing the famous Lion and Stone emblem and replacing it with a Chevrolet badge.

At this stage I would like to make one thing clear – Chevrolet DO NOT produce a right-hand drive vehicle for the Australian market and have not done so since the 2001 production termination of the Holden-badged RHD variant of the Chevrolet Suburban, a vehicle so crassly oversized, overpriced and inefficient that it was easily identifiable as American, regardless of the badge on the back.

Actually, I’d like to make another thing clear. I’m not, nor have I ever been a Holden fan boy. If I had to pull burning drivers out of a pile-up at the top of Mount Panorama, I’d pull out Ford & Holden drivers in equal measure (apart from Craig Lowndes… I’d let that creepy motherfucker burn.)

It got me thinking about the actual act of removing the badge. I imagine a bunch of like-minded (and by this I mean they’re all fucking idiotic) blokes standing in a suburban backyard somewhere (in a new subdivision, nestled among a row of cookie-cutter 3 bedroom pre-fab houses, all with a car on a hire-purchase agreement in the front drive) drinking Scotch & Dry cans (why do these blokes always drink pre-mix?) while Blake (he’d have a shit name like that) takes a crowbar to his Holden Badge. They’d give him encouragement along the lines of, “ohhh fuck man that Chevy badge is gunna look TIGHT!” while he desecrates one of the last signposts of the once-great Australian motor-vehicle industry with a monument to American excess.

The irony of this thoroughly unpatriotic act of re-badging of Australian cars with American emblems is that the deadshits that do this are undoubtedly the SAME deadshits that were beating up immigrants on Bondi beach while wearing the Australian flag as a cape and chanting ‘we grew here, you flew here’ a few years back. There were so many Southern Cross tattoos on the beaches that day that you could entertain a pre-schooler for a century if you told them to play join-the-dots.

As an aside, if you’re an asylum-seeker about to dish out your entire life savings (often tens of thousands of dollars) to make the thoroughly perilous journey via sea from the sub-continent to the Australian mainland, perhaps visit eBay around 4 weeks before your departure and invest in some Floaties? They’re about twenty bucks and will post internationally (I checked). I know space is at a premium on these vessels, but if you keep them deflated until you need them, you can secrete them on your person quite easily and avoid the prying eye of the captain/mercenary seamen.  It sure beats drowning…

/end communication

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