Have any of you seen the new Jeep advertisement on television lately? You know, the one where some pious twat declares, ‘from the day you’re born, you’re searching’? It’s filled with images of youth, beauty, love, adventure and a whole bunch of other rudimentary manipulative devices designed to make you buy their shitty car. The ad finishes with that horrendous track from sickening Australian ‘artists’, The Potbelleez. I could write a veritable tome on that awful band and their awful fucking name alone. Their track, ‘Don’t Hold Back’ also forms the tag-line of Jeeps’ advertising campaign.

’Don’t hold back, is there anybody out there… feeling something?’ – Yes, Potbelleez, I am feeling something… unadulterated disgust at your band lending its song (and lyrics) to this exercise in mass-produced assembly-line consumerism. For shame!

There’s another Jeep ad from this campaign, centred on a couple of Europeans fresh from a game of Polo. They have an in-depth conversation about ones procurement of a new motor vehicle (namely a Jeep). Were it not for the subtitles I’d have no idea what the fuck they were talking about. In addition, why the fuck would I be more inclined to purchase a vehicle knowing that a European polo-player had just bought one? I mean, I understand the agencies’ effort to place the vehicle in a premium bracket by associating it with 1) attractive foreigners and 2) polo, a sport known predominantly in Australia for its patronage by high net-worth individuals and royalty, but has anyone been paying attention to the European economy lately?  I have. It’s a fucking shambles. They’re going backwards, largely due to economic mismanagement and individual ineptitude. Acting on his advice would be about as intelligent as violently and repeatedly jamming your dick in a toaster (or dumping your tits into a running food processor – equal opportunity here on bankingcommish).

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“Do you think we’ve flogged this horse enough yet, Pablo?”
“It’s not dead yet Juan Carlo. You’re not even close!”

2 of Jeeps’ flagship models are named the Cherokee and Grand Cherokee. Has anyone actually stopped and thought about the connotations of this company naming their vehicle after a Native American people driven from their land due largely to the introduction of foreign settlers? It’s akin to the Japanese changing the name of their Camry to the Toyota Nanking.

A few years back I had use of a Jeep Cherokee for a couple of months for my job at the time. It was shit. Got about 2 miles to the gallon (fucking Yank-speak) and was about as responsive to drive as Hellen Keller would’ve been at an orgy. The only good memories I have of it were the free petrol and its elevated driving position. I felt like every time I was climbing into the car I was somehow desecrating an ancient Red Indian burial ground or controlling a wise tribal elder from the inside like a xenophobic ventriloquist with a bloodied arm.

If a motor vehicle were actually designed with a Native American in mind, it’d be an all-electric convertible four wheel drive made from recycled aluminium (good for the environment, allowing you to get close to nature). It wouldn’t be a fucking Jeep, the vehicular equivalent of a sexual deviant with a penchant for repeatedly bending Mother-Nature over a barrel and fist-fucking her.

Fuck you Jeep.

/end communication.

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