My earlier plea for additional donations has yielded immediate fruit; the kitty for Bankingcommish now stands at $900. Will you be the last piece of the investor puzzle? I’ll get Scott Pape to gratify you sexually with his bare feet if you come to the table… (This will probably necessitate me abducting one of his family members and threatening them with a loaded shotgun. Additionally, I’ll probably be in the room with you, Scott Pape, his relative and the shotgun. I hope you’re okay with that?)

Call me crazy, but I don’t think of touch football as anything more than a pastime for rugby players to undertake in their off-seasons in order to keep their fitness levels up and maintain a sufficient level of ‘touch’. If you had to ask me where touch football lives in terms of how seriously I consider it; on a scale of darts (clearly not a sport, as you can be a sweaty 400-pound drunk Englishman and still be good at it) to say, the 100m finals at the Olympics, I’d rate it somewhere between Ultimate Frisbee and Indoor Cricket.

Now, generally around this time, ardent touch footy fanatics will make a rash comment about golf not being a sport, using John Daly as an example and drawing a comparison to the sweaty, oily, bar-snack eating, pint-guzzling 400-pound Englishman with a moon-tan cultivated from spending all his time inside a dingy Northern-English pub that I alluded to in my earlier comment.  Now, your John Daly and your Craig Parry types aside (whom incidentally were incredibly gifted natural golfers with unique swings, especially so in the case of Daly), the days of the overweight golfer are well and truly over. Have you had a look at the top 10 on the Official World Golf Rankings lately? (You definitely haven’t). If you were to take some time out to stop trawling your friends’ Facebook walls, glancing disinterestedly at pictures of their ugly-as-fuck babies and rants about the cost-of-living increases and actually have a look at them, you’d see that the they’re populated entirely by blokes that could refer to themselves as ‘slender’ on their RSVP dating profiles. (As if Tiger would have one, he’s been fucking the lights out!) Additionally, people actually watch golf. Oh, and they get paid millions of dollars a year to play.

Anyway, there’s my retort to the whiny remark that you haven’t yet made but will undoubtedly make, touch football fans.

Oh, and regarding comments that I’ve had to endure over the years about touch football being more strategic at the highest level than International Rugby Union, (incidentally, what is the highest level of touch football? Oh that’s right, I don’t give a shit!) you cannot be serious. I don’t care how many cut-out passes you orchestrate, how many fade or drag runs you employ or the ferocity of your dump and shoot, I cannot accept that a game that spawned from Rugby League, which spawned from Rugby Union, could be more strategic in any fashion. Why? It’s simple – anything you can do on a touch football field, you can do on a Rugby Union field. In addition, Rugby Union has the scrum, the line-out, rucks and mauls, kicks for touch, penalty kicks and a great deal more players on the field to do any or all of these things. There are so many unique facets to Rugby Union that it’s often been compared to chess, such is the strategic nature of the game and the myriad ways in which one opponent can out-manoeuvre another by tactically focussing on strengths and looking to exploit weaknesses.

Touch football, on the other hand, is like non-alcoholic beer. Sure, it’s far better for your body in the long-run, but you still end up looking like a pussy while (playing) drinking it.

Rugby Union, the game they play in Heaven. Touch football? A game.

/end communication