The weekend, finally! I’ve been burning the candle at both ends this week so severely that it’s beginning to look like Kate Moss’s septum circa 2007. It’s now time to kick back, relax and have one or two ‘froffies’ and reflect on the week that was.

I was driving home from work tonight singing both the male and female lead to ‘Danger, High Voltage’ by Electric Six (loudly) when I was sprung by the girl in the car next to me. Normally when you catch someone singing along to a song on the radio you have a laugh. She looked positively terrified…

I’ll quickly thank those of you whom have decided to throw your hats in the ring and become financial supporters of Bankingcommish. The investor pool now stands at a formidable $1050. Kudos!

There will be a recurring segment on this blog relating specifically to Facebook and the myriad ways in which people make utter fools of themselves on it. These are so innumerable that I couldn’t possibly cover them all in one hate-filled post. Instead, I’ll dole them out sparingly like a Red Army officer dispensing ammunition to infantrymen at the battle of Stalingrad. Prepare thyself for the reckoning…

1)      Complaining about your inability to sleep.

Yes, it’s two in the morning. Yes, you may not be able to sleep. Do you honestly think that putting some utterly inane status update on Facebook like, ‘so late, can’t believe I’m still awake’ is helping your current predicament, you stupid fucking cunt? Here’s a piece of completely free advice.

If you are still staring longingly into an LCD screen at two in the morning like a lonely 55-year old man trawling the most readily accessible Thai Brides website on Google instead of lying in a bed in a prone, foetal or supine position with your eyes shut and the lights off (like a normal person), its going to be FUCKING DIFFICULT to nod off. Yes, I know that when you finally do nod off you’re likely to have dreams so thoroughly uninspiring that you’ll think that you’re still awake, but at least try, for the good of humanity.

Unless you’re on a high-grade cocaine-fuelled bender and you haven’t slept for the past week because you’ve been too busy killing and burying high-class prostitutes whilst nonchalantly singing a private back-catalogue of falsetto sea shanties, please don’t ever feel the need to advise me that you can’t sleep. I won’t read it until the morning after and it’ll only serve to paint you as more of an ignorant cunt than you already (undoubtedly) are.

1)      Posting a status update about being sick.

This normally is coupled with an equally vexatious comment like, ‘OMG, so sniffily, go away pesky flu!’ Honestly, are you fucking serious? Do you honestly think that I give a shit if you’re sick or not? Additionally, why is it that these status updates are always written like the author would read the sentence in a baby voice if they had to speak the words aloud? Are they so weak of character that a common cold causes them to regress to early childhood again? Fucking pathetic.

‘This thermometer tastes familiar…’

Whatever happened to the stiff upper lip, when people internalised all of their feelings, good or bad and just got on with it? You know the ‘Englishman in a WWII London bomb shelter’ attitude. Nothing fazed those fuckers!

Here’s my general rule of thumb; unless you have an inoperable brain tumour and no other more suitable way of communicating this to me than through social media, you can fuck right off. When I’m dragging my sorry arse off to work in the morning, the last thing I want/need to see is someone complaining because they have to lie in bed all day and watch television because they have the ‘sniffles’. Oh, that’s just awful, you poor thing, you!

I hope you doze off and Freddy Krueger rapes you in your sleep.

/end communication