Queen Victoria famously once declared, “Give my people plenty of beer, good beer, and cheap beer, and you will have no revolution among them”. She would have been somewhat shocked, then, to have been a fly on a wall at one of many German beer halls in the early 1920s as future Nazi Party Fuhrer (and all-around evil motherfucker) Adolf Hitler curried favour amongst disaffected segments of German society by providing free beer at party meetings. These beer hall rallies were part of the initial machinations of what would soon become a vast and evil empire, responsible for the deaths of countless millions, both in war and in death-camps scattered strategically across Europe.

What both leaders recognised about beer is its inherent ability to affect the greater population.


My loyal subject, is your beer monocle firmly secured?

I found myself on the receiving end of a few pints of the aforementioned last night in Brunswick, in what could only be described as the Australian interpretation of a German beer hall (which is not a scratch on the real thing, let me assure you). Some of the differences;

1)      There weren’t 20,000 people there.

2)      There wasn’t an Oom-pah band playing.

3)      ‘Whole chicken’ wasn’t on the menu.

4)      You couldn’t order steins

5)      Therefore, no one was smashing these steins together forcefully whilst yelling ‘Prost’

6)      There were less ziggers

Despite the abovementioned differences, it was still a great place talk shit with a few of my cohorts. After a few rounds, talk moved to my current blogging endeavour, specifically what I’d already written and what I would be writing for the next five months. By this time, conversation was bouncing more rapidly than cheques written by Gerard Baden-Clay’s lawyer.

So, what’s the rub from all this piss-shifting? I’ve basically got another two or so months of material out of one evening, including but not limited to; real-estate agents, people who write travel blogs, tall man acknowledgement, extroverts and social media, hipsters (this will need several weeks), The Shire.

Tall man acknowledgement is a phenomenon I’ve experienced for several years now. The tipping point for tall man acknowledgement seems to be approximately 198cm. I term this height ‘entry to the club’.

I remember my first time like it was yesterday…

I was in a Foot Locker store in Hobart in 2006, looking longingly at the plethora of shoes laid out on the wall, knowing full-well that none of them came in size 15. I felt like Charlie Bucket peering sadly through the window of the local candy store whilst all of the other kids danced around with the store owner while he sang this song, knowing that he didn’t have the money to purchase even a single Scrumdiddlyumptious bar. I looked to my right and saw another guy my height with the same morose look on his face.

I gave a simple nod, which he reciprocated. I quietly stated, “Nothing here is going to fit us, you know that, don’t you?” He gave another simple despondent nod. No further words were necessary. We were on the same page, both hardened by years of cramped air travel, hitting our heads on untold doors, extending the hems on suit paints, ordering shoes online from specialty stores, sleeping in the foetal position because our beds weren’t long enough, pleading with girlfriends to wear their highest heels to events so that we don’t look like absolute freaks and most of all, being told by every third person you meet that you are tall.

Stranger: “Geez mate, you’re tall!”

Me: “Fuck, really?”

More of this will come in the days/months ahead. You will feel my pain like you were the one that just hit your head on a six foot six door frame.

By the way, there’s no way a candy store owner could do the following things in 2012;

1)      Pour lollies without wrappers into the hands of the kids (hygiene issue)

2)      Lift up or put his hands on a girl (potential albeit unwarranted accusations of paedophilia or sexual abuse)

3)      Throw candy wantonly into a crowd (public liability issue)

4)      Sing a show-tune in the company of minors (accusations of being homosexual and/or a paedophile)

5)      Allow customers behind the counter (shoplifting, diminution of profit margin)

Fuck 2012.

/end communication