I’m writing this half-pissed after sinking a few jugs this afternoon at our local pub in Carlton. There’s nothing more utterly pointless than drinking on a Sunday. Maybe that’s why it’s so enjoyable.

Things that people do on Facebook that piss me off (continued…)

Uploading innumerable photos (seriously, sometimes there are fucking hundreds of them) of a baby that you or a relative has just expelled from your (or their) now comprehensively wrecked vagina (or your partners’ or their partners’ now comprehensively wrecked vagina)….

I congratulate you on your newborn child. Indeed, this truly is a cause for celebration for you and your family. YOU AND YOUR FUCKING FAMILY! Here’s the rule; upload one photo (if you must) of you and your partner (if they’ve stuck around long enough to see the final product of their initial misdeed) and your newborn child. Let that be the end of it. If you’ve got relatives or friends interstate that you want to show pictures to, send them via email or in the post, surely that’s more personal?

I do not want to have to deal with four hundred photos of the same child from infinitesimally different angles clogging up my newsfeed, replacing your prior week-by-week commentary covering your mood, the baby kicking inside your stomach, how you’ve built the baby a crib, check-ups with doctors, issues with baby names etc. Just fuck off with all of it, alright?

The Laser – Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation, not your son’s name.

Let’s make another thing clear; giving birth to a child is something that the majority of society can do. Indeed, it is something that’s being going on for generations and is the reason that I’m able to write ridiculous 400-word essays (and they are essays, don’t ever fucking forget that) on a computer that was built by other people that someone gave birth to in another part of the world (probably Japan, those guys know their way around a semiconductor). Childbirth occurs every day. It happens every minute. IT HAPPENS EVERY FUCKING SECOND.

It seems that the act of parenthood allows people that really aren’t that good at anything else to achieve something. Your ability to fuck or be fucked SHOULD NOT be a cause for gratuitous celebration. These types of people generally describe themselves as a ‘mother’ or ‘father’ first and whatever else they did beforehand second. They achieve no other success in life than rearing their offspring with a mediocre level of success and they want you to know about it via their Facebook page. Every time I hear someone say, “I’m a full-time mother/father” when someone asks them what they do, I feel the need to ask, “And what else do you do when the kids go to school, sit around in your underpants eating Doritos watching Oprah, you lazy fuck?”

An additional word of advice regarding naming conventions for your newborn child;

1)      If you have to make the name up yourself, it’s not a good name. A laser is a weapon that James Bond uses in Moonraker, not the name of your first-born son. Don’t give him another obstacle to overcome, God knows he looks like he already has enough as it is, you cunts.

2)      Don’t get fruity with the spelling. Jason does not have a ‘y’ in it. Neither does Daniel. Your errant placement of a consonant will serve only to humiliate your child in classroom situations and in the playground and will result in numerous fights and time spent in the Vice Principal’s office with scuffed knees and torn shirts. Trust me; I have a girl’s name…

3)      Don’t call your child ‘Tristan’ or ‘Sebastian’. Just don’t.

On the other hand, fuck it. Document the whole thing from conception to delivery. Upload the scores of images that you’ve collected and make sure that your partner has a front-row seat to capture the bloody breach of your hull & the poor nurse moving around frantically like a Space Invader as she tries in vain to capture your faecal matter as you give your final, exhausted heave and hear the visceral cries of your now doomed newborn child.

Congratulations!

/end communication

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