I was offered a free ticket from one of my mates to see the Essendon Bombers play the Western Bulldogs at Etihad Stadium the other week. I’d never actually been to Etihad (as Richmond normally play at the MCG when in Melbourne) so I took my mate up on the offer despite hating both of the teams more passionately than I despite the recording artist and self-styled ‘bad girl’ Pink (and I really fucking despise her.)

It was a pretty uneventful and one-sided game, Essendon romping home by 84 points against an absolutely hapless Western Bulldogs team. It was like watching the Harlem Globetrotters toying with the Washington Generals in one of the thousands of games they dominated over the years; the Bulldogs were outclassed, outgunned and were being made to look foolish…

I stopped paying attention to the game and started drinking heavily around the end of the first half. Seemed like a good idea, as there wasn’t a great deal of entertainment to be had out on the ground. My eyes landed on the Essendon mascot wandering the boundary line, which for some inexplicable reason was a gigantic mosquito in full Essendon playing kit save for a pair of World War Two-style flying goggles (the type you would have seen on an English bomber command pilot fresh from a jaunt across the channel to do their bit in the battle against the fascists)

Tonight I shall feast upon the blood of an innocent…

I later found out that ‘Skeeta’ was actually named after Essendon’s famous dual premiership-winning team of the early 1920s dubbed ‘The Mosquito Fleet’ – due to the number of very small, fast players in the side. (They apparently had six players 5 foot 6 or shorter). Skeeta even had a back-story; he was said to have been a bomber pilot and one day in 1922 landed at Windy Hill and liked it so much that he never left.

I’ve got to be honest. I’ve got a few issues with Skeeta. I was looking at him with his goggles on, thinking “Something’s not right here… what is it?” Then it dawned on me…

Why the fuck is he flying around in an aircraft when he has perfectly good wings to begin with? That’s plain fucking laziness if you ask me. This parasitic piece of shit is too lazy to get off his ass and flap his wings a few times so instead, he’s going to climb into the cockpit of an inefficient, combustion-engine powered aircraft and burn a hole in the fucking ozone layer as he gallivants around in a rickety old bomber. What an inconsiderable prick.

Also, there’s no way that a mosquito could’ve been old enough to fly in 1922 and still be alive in 2012. He’d be over 100 by now, which is far longer than a mosquito’s normal lifespan of 10 days – 2 months (dependent on climate). Factually inaccurate.

Finally, Essendon weren’t even known as ‘The Bombers’ until the war years of the early 1940s (due to their proximity to the Essendon Aerodrome). This means that a gigantic, bi-pedal bomber-flying mosquito landed at a football club in 1922 and stayed there for another 20-odd years before his persona held any relevance whatsoever…

Creepy.

/end communication

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