I apologise in advance for tonight’s’ instalment, as it’s pretty much a foregone conclusion that it’s going to be shithouse. I’m full as a goog from smashing pints (until the early morn’, like everyone’s favourite douchebag rapper Sean Paul) and I’ve left my run pretty late, to be honest, I was froffin’ on at my local with a few mates and the resident bulldog (the pub has a dog that just wanders around, it’s like he owns the joint, it’s fucking amazing).

It’s the time of year when festivals get announced. Big Day Out, Falls Festival, Soundwave. They’re the big three in my opinion. Tonight I’m going to focus solely on Big Day Out, which is in my opinion one of the most poorly run festivals currently operating in this great Southern Land of ours. Ozzy Ozzy Ozzy, Oi Oi Oi. (a part of me just died after writing that, I fucking hate myself for it…)

Big Day Out; probably the most iconic of all one day festivals in Australia and home to some truly monumental acts. Rage Against The Machine, Tool, Muse, Metallica, Neil Young – the list is long and studded with stars. Despite their status as the ‘big boy in town’ in the increasingly competitive realm of the one day festival experience, The Big Day Out is truly one of the worst festival experiences I’ve ever had the displeasure to be a part of. I split my disdain for the BDO into 2 distinct points:

1)      Drinking booze in a cage

I fully accept that I’m not the most cultured man in the Universe. Indeed, after a few lagers I’m one of the more abrasive humans in the Southern Hemisphere. However, I find it highly unnecessary that the organisers of the BDO feel a need to place a gigantic chain-link fence around the ‘wet area’ at their festival like I’m some sort of psychopath in need of segregation from the wider population. This prevents me from getting anywhere near the bands that I want to watch and makes me an extremely fucking sad panda.

All this cage does is force me to purchase 10 overpriced beers and drink them as fast as I can, causing me to return to the regular punters’ area feeling fine, only for the Black Dog to knock on my door several moments later, causing me to start vomiting uncontrollably onto anything (and anyone) in my general vicinity. Not only is this generally frowned upon by festival-goers in general, it’s also highly inefficient from a cost perspective on my end. (This is important).

2)      The ‘D’

I understand why the ‘D’ was implemented – some girl got her head smashed in at the Big Day Out at a Limp Bizkit concert and the D was introduced to prevent the same thing happening again. Fair call, protecting lives and shit…

(As an aside, what a fucking travesty to have Limp Bizkit be the band that was playing when you were crushed by a crowd surge – several years later when ‘Nu Metal’ had done its dash, you’re the girl that died at a Nu Metal gig, that fucking sucks more than dying in the first place.)

The thing that I fucking hate about the D is that once you’re in, there’s little chance that you’re going back out again. When Rage Against the Machine played (in 2008, I think) I lined up for a couple of hours to get in there. Once I got my ass in there, no way that I was leaving before they played. Not only did I have to endure an entire fucking hour of Bjork playing on the adjacent stage (if anyone tells you that she is a great recording artist, I want you to punch them in the face repeatedly while yelling “no, NO, NOOOOOO”), I also had to hold in a piss that was building for several hours beforehand (there are no toilets in the D) until after Rage had started playing. My Johnson is still recovering…

3% body fat. 100% douchebag.

Big Day Out – be better.

If future, as soon as the mosh pit starts I’m going to start pissing. I’ll be like a garden hose on a trampoline, pissing the lights out…

I’m sorry alright, I’m half-cut.

/end communication