Why don’t you and your gaggle of upwardly mobile, overtly attractive 20-something friends have a party at your house this weekend? That’d be an ‘ace’ idea! It has to have a theme though, something that really brands your soiree as unique and sets those social-media tongues wagging…

I know! I’ve got just the thing. You should have a ‘geek’ themed party! That’d be so zany!

That way, you can wear those tortoiseshell non-prescription glasses you’ve been dying to create an excuse to wear, strategically draw a smattering of freckles on your face with an eyeliner making sure that they make you look prettier than you already are, wear that white button-up business shirt you picked up on sale the other day (don’t forget to button it all the way up to the top button!) and put your hair in a couple of side ponytails with some scrunchies. Round out the ensemble with a subtly suggestive shirt, an assortment of different colour biros in your breast pocket and a quirky bow-tie and you’re good to go! GEEK PARTY!!!

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“These glasses were not prescribed to me by a medical professional.”

Let me tell you this right now; being a geek is not trendy, it’s not sexy and it’s definitely not cool.

“How do you know this?” I hear you ask.

The answer is simple; I used to be one.

I used to work as a computer store salesman, built and sold desktop computers in my spare time (a regular cottage industry by the time I was finished), went to LAN (Local Area Network) parties more frequently than Macaulay Culkin scores a new ‘hezza’ deal and played Counter Strike 1.6 with the best of them. I was part of a competitive online clan (a team of people entered in an online competition against other clans Australia-wide) for Wolfenstein – Enemy Territory that was so serious that we used to have weekly trainings in a custom-built online arena that was designed by another one of the clan members that helped us hone our ‘trick-jumping’ and ‘strafing’ skills. New members had to pass this online obstacle course in order to join the clan as recruits.

I’m talking full-on, embarrassing-as-fuck nerdism here, make no mistake. I’ve talked shop with the pigeon-chested best of them…

So, when people sling Gameboys around their necks, wear polka-dot suspenders, stick a Band-Aid across the bridge of their non-prescription glasses despite no cracks being evident and wear t-shirts paying homage to games that they’ve never played referencing characters that they’ve never heard of, it makes me a little furious. Stop hijacking a sub-culture that wasn’t yours, isn’t yours and will never be yours and ruining it by putting your shitty, top-40 listening, fake-tanning, inane conversation having, generic-as-fuck stamp on it.

Oh, and If you’re going to have a geek party, do it properly.

Wear some ill-fitting, black clothes that you found on the floor of your room that haven’t seen a washing machine in a few months because you’ve been too busy “p@wn1ng n00bs”. Don’t wash your hair for a couple of days to make sure it’s super greasy and drink a copious amount of Jolt Cola (it has to be Jolt, none of this Red Bull horseshit) in the preceding week to ensure that your skin is positively bursting with zits on the night of the party. Make sure that you refrain from any other form of physical activity other than playing World of Warcraft and rubbing your perpetually running nose to ensure that your body gains that doughy, unrefined look. Avoid sunlight more expertly than Anne Frank evaded the Nazis.

You’re good to go. Oh, and don’t make eye contact… with anyone.

/end communication

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