I played my last game of footy for the year today. My team lost. It kind of sucked.

Whenever I finish playing a game of footy now, I feel like a decrepit octogenarian. Even now, two hours after the game finished I’m in pain. I’m writing this propped up on my bed against the bedroom wall with a pillow under my knee for support. I feel like shit.

Oh well, I guess I’ll just go and get pissed this afternoon and forget about it… Fuck yeah!

I’m sorry to continually focus on Facebook in these rants (I’m actually not sorry at all, fuckers), but it really is a major source of frustration for me on a daily basis. I feel like the unthinkable will eventually happen and we may one day live again in a world without Facebook… One lives in hope.

In the crosshairs this afternoon? Self-congratulatory, insipid wankers that advertise their own career or educational successes (however significant or insignificant) with a vapid, leading status update announcing this to the world, as if any of us give a shit.

An example, you ask? See below.

“xxxxx is now a fully qualified mechanic.”

“Now I’m a builder, I’m on the big bucks. Time to buy some toys!”

“OMG, now a doctor, look out patients I’m coming for ya LOL”

“Now able to call myself a barrister, I guess all those years of study finally paid off, eh?”

Just.Fuck.Off.

(By the way, I would never allow a doctor that provided that status update go anywhere near me.)

Whilst I congratulate you on your successes, there’s no need for you to seek the sort of gratification you so clearly desire by dangling a gigantic carrot in front of your equally banal, cuntish mates, essentially giving them a layup to massage your already inflated ego and further enhance you’re already incredibly lofty opinion of yourself.

See, this is the problem with Facebook, it’s been taken over by self-involved extroverted fuckheads who have hijacked it in order to promote themselves and their lifestyles as if we are all competing in some sort of mass human take on a fairground dog show. Nobody’s life is actually as good as Facebook would suggest it is, it’s just a façade perpetuated by a bunch of no-hoping cunts in order to make the rest of us think that their lives have some meaning.

People who have genuinely exciting lives are out living them, not fumbling for their smart phones so that they can let the rest of us know about it. 

/end communication

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