Every now and again when I’m driving my sorry arse to work, I’ll pull up abruptly behind a poorly-driven car with some of those ‘My Family’ stickers on the back of it. You know, the ones where you can mix and match natty little stick figure stickers depending on the composition of your family? Now, at 7.30 in the morning I’m in a pretty shitty mood to begin with (as I haven’t yet had a coffee and I’m generally tired as fuck from having stayed up until 12 the night before writing this fucking blog) and nothing sets me off more than having to endure some gaily smiling fucking stick figures gawking back at me from the bottom left-hand corner of a fucking 2008 Ford Territory. (It’s always a fucking Ford Territory).

Seriously, what drives people to adorn their cars with these things? I instantly imagine some terminally bored married couple sitting dejectedly at home, both too tired to fuck each other from taking care of their shitty little kids. Together, they log onto the internet on their amazingly bulky Hewlett Packard laptop that they paid far too much for at Harvey Norman. As they jointly browse the ‘My Family’ range, their dull lives are somewhat brightened by the conversation created from doing something other than stare into each other’s weather-beaten, utterly defeated faces.

“Oh, hey, this one looks just like me! This is fun.”

“Yes honey, yes it does! That truly is an accurate likeness of you.”

Despite my utter hatred of their product, I actually had a look at their website tonight to peruse their range and understand how it works (always reporting the facts here at bankingcommish, expect no less!) and noticed that they’ve expanded their range to include new family favourites such as ‘Wheelchair Grandpa’, ‘Bird Facing Right’, ‘Pregnant Mother’ and even ‘Question Mark’ which is (unbelievably) just an adhesive question mark. I think that they should also include ‘Camp Man’ so that you could put ‘Question Mark’ next to him. Maybe he is, maybe he isn’t…

The stickers are quite inexpensive; Wheelchair Grandpa is only $4. I’m going to buy 50 of them and stick them on the back windows of random cars. When the owners return to their vehicles the first thing they’ll see is the sobering face of a happy, yet utterly handicapped stick figure staring back at them, causing them to drive far more safely when they get back on the road. Think of it as my own little road safety initiative.

Image

Your family – so zany!

I guess ‘My Family’ stickers do serve a practical purpose. When the dickheads that purchase these stickers inevitably end up in a serious and/or fatal road accident (because they were too busy setting up Justin Bieber DVDs for their kids to watch on their in-seat TVs when they should have been watching the road) the first attending police officers on the scene can simply refer to the stickers on the rear window to ascertain how many decapitated heads/amputated legs to look for and collect (and the relevant sizes and genders of these).

My favourite combination of these stickers is the ‘Grandmother’ and ‘Grandfather’ characters together with a collection of animals but no children or grandchildren. I always like to try and sidle up next to these vehicles, get a peek at the couple and play the ‘1 of 3’ game in my head. I make sure to pay special attention to the ‘Grandfather’ character and his general manner.

The game is simple. There are 3 options:

1)      She’s barren.

2)      He’s sterile.

3)      He’s gay.

Pick one.

/end communication

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