Moving; I’ve done it approximately 6 times in the last 18 months. Granted, I did move from Tassie to Victoria in that time, however I seem to be constantly lifting all of my earthly possessions into the back of my car and shuttling them to the next destination like some sort of washed-up transient. It’s one of the most thankless, soul destroying tasks a human being can undertake (short of getting systematically reamed by an entire NRL football team while your mother (also in the process of getting reamed) watches on eagerly from an adjacent bedroom). The amount of energy, time and often money associated with moving all of your shit from one property to another is nothing short of heinous.

Today I helped my mate (and new housemate) move into my place, due to the departure of my previous housemates, who’d just bought their first house (congratulations!). We drove back and forth across Melbourne like a lazy modern day Burke & Wills ferrying assorted brick-a-brac from one domicile to another. It fucking sucked.

Still though, it could be worse… I could own a Ute. I feel so bad for anyone who owns a Ute. Those poor motherfuckers… They get calls out of the blue from friends (or more likely acquaintances) that they haven’t spoken to in years and I’m sure they know where the conversation is heading before they even answer the phone, but, being the altruistic people that they are, they still answer.

For the uninitiated, here are the 10 steps of moving as seen through the eyes of a utility vehicle owner.

1)      Answer the phone and exchange pleasantries.

2)      Suffer through an inane conversation about what you’ve/they’ve been doing lately.

3)      Talk about what you’re doing for the weekend.

4)      Talk about what they’re doing for the weekend.

5)      Find out that they’re actually moving house this weekend.

6)      Discover that they have a queen size bed that they need to move this weekend.

7)      Skirt around the discussion of how the bed will be moved from their current residence to their new residence.

8)      Come to the realisation that the only reason they called you was to talk suggestively about their moving plans and their apparent inability to move their bed/entertainment unit/couches/outdoor setting blah blah blah etc. in the hope that you’ll offer to give them a hand with your Ute.

9)      Die a little inside and offer to give them a hand moving.

10)   Spend the majority of your Sunday (which you hold sacred) helping people that you frankly don’t even like and are glad not to have heard from in several months to move from one uninspiring shithole to another. Receive $10 in petrol money (despite having used about $30 in petrol to help them).

People can be cunts sometimes.

/end communication