After my earlier post about the horrors of the Highpoint Shopping Centre, I’ve been out there twice in the last 24 hours to buy some stuff for our outdoor area to get it ready for the warmer months just around the corner. Suffice to say, I’m in a fragile state of mind at the moment. Dealing with a never-ending cavalcade of ambling fuckwits, budding homemakers and the rest of the zombified home-improvement masses is about as enjoyable as giving yourself a coffee enema using a garden hose supplemented by old jerry can full of rusted ball bearings. Last night in Bunnings I heard a couple having a heated argument about what type of garden hose they should buy… I mean, seriously, it’s a fucking garden hose. Just buy it and leave the domestic violence and subsequent restraining order ‘til later…

I drive to work in Box Hill from Carlton Monday to Friday and I’m always getting cut off on my drive to the office by fuckwits driving their cars with their iPhone/iPod headphones in their ears. They’re completely unaware to what’s going on around them and they merge in and out of traffic at will, oblivious to other motorists. Often they’ll be driving a late-model vehicle (which you’d assume would have a CD player and negate the need to listen to music through an mp3 player) but does that stop them? Hell no!

Now, I know that a number of these jerks are probably using their headphones to use the handsfree function on their phone, but it doesn’t stop them looking like a bunch of mentally handicapped fucktards. I’m pretty sure that I could drive more safely after drinking half a carton of Boags XXX Ale in an hour than any of these shitfish could with iPod earbuds in their stupid fucking ears. How are they meant to hear a warning horn or a siren while their listening to Pink detail her heartfelt letter to George Bush on max volume? It’s impossible.

Perhaps they’ve been driven to resort to the headphones because of Australia’s ridiculous stance on talking on a mobile phone while driving – it’s completely illegal here to speak on a mobile while driving a car unless you’re using a handsfree or a Bluetooth system. This is in direct contrast to Sweden, arguably one of the more safety-conscious nations on the planet, where it’s completely legal to pick up your mobile and have a chat with one of your incredibly attractive, chiselled Nordic friends (perhaps about how many salmon you’d caught earlier that day) on your cellphone.

Now call me crazy, but aren’t those Scandinavians pretty good when it comes to automotive safety?

I think we should take a leaf out of their book so that I don’t have to look at a bunch of imbecilic arse-jockeys ambivalently beetling along the freeways of Victoria, ruining my mornings the same way that David Koch and the rest of ‘Brekky Central’ do.

Fuck you Kochy.

/end communication