I always get a huge laugh when a girl (usually it’s a girl) lists some gem from Marilyn Monroe in the ‘quotes’ section of their profile on Facebook, generally using the absolute humdinger, “I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” as if the quote was written specifically about them.

I can 100% guarantee to you that any girl with that quote on their Facebook profile is more high-maintenance than a 1950s Jaguar sports car and prone to wearing excessive amounts of foundation, even to bed. They’ll undoubtedly have watched every single episode of Sex & the City at least 30 times and are prone to hosting Friday night cocktail parties where they and their gal pals dress up in designer frocks and sip martinis while Mr. Big treats that horse with a wart on her chin like shit. (Yeah I’ve seen it, fuck off).

Why do we have to handle you at your worst in order to have your best? Can’t we just have your best, or at least a middling version of yourself? The rest of us don’t get to use a disclaimer to act like spoiled fuckwits, why should you? Be better…

My favourite quote actually comes from one of my mates (and the owner of a very strong jawline). After riling him up about his similarity to Roger Ramjet one day, he stated coolly, “…the guy with the biggest chin gets the hottest girl.” The first time I heard that I cried I was laughing so hard.

“Zero. The amount of times you’ll cringe while listening to me talk today.”

I’m watching the US Democratic National Convention on Foxtel while writing this. Former President Bill Clinton just finished his speech in support of incumbent President Obama at a basketball stadium in Charlotte, North Carolina. What blows me away about American politicians is how much more adept they are at speaking in public than their Australian equivalents. Bill Clinton had the audience eating out of the palm of his hand during his address; he was witty, charming, provided insight, injected humour where appropriate and was generally just snapping necks and banking oratorical cheques.

I can’t help but feel somewhat cheated watching the Yanks go at it when I’m faced with the dire prospect of listening to Julia Gillard give an address; her unbelievably uninspiring, monotone, insufferably painful speeches truly make me embarrassed to be an Australian. Make me believe you, Julia. Allow me to buy into your vision for the future of Australia instead of making me feel physically ill whenever you give a banal speech about something that may actually be interesting had you not butchered it like a roped-up pig in that low-rent drawl you’ve got going.

I’ve heard time and time again (from people who work for the Labor government, no less) that Gillard is fantastic policymaker etc. etc., it’s just that her media team aren’t conveying this adequately to the Australian public.

I’ve got some advice then; fire your fucking media team.

It goes further than inadequate communication on behalf of the government; it’s the types of personalities that gravitate towards Australian politics. Predominately a bunch of wet blanket, bureaucratic fuckwits with no personality and a distinct inability to engage with their country and/or their constituency, it’s no wonder that the choice between Gillard and Abbott is deemed by many to be a choice of who’ll be less likely to fuck up the country in the next four years. We need someone to lead, not someone being led by party politics like a gimp on a leash in a subterranean fuck-dungeon.

/end communication