What is it with people’s fascination with labelling themselves as ‘tea drinkers’ on their fucking bios on social media or their website bio? I saw someone on Twitter the other day list ‘avid tea drinker’ on their profile page. It made me so mad that I crushed the cup I was holding like a decorative hard-boiled Easter egg and water went everywhere. I don’t give a flying fuck if you enjoy drinking tea. I’m still baffled as to why someone would consider this as pertinent information to bestow upon the world in the first place. Is your ability to consume a hot beverage really the best you’ve got? If so, you are truly a sad fuck. If Mr. Dilmah knew that he’d helped to spawn such trite characters with his single origin teas he’d decapitate his sons with a sickle and hang himself from his silk tie in his garage…

If there’s one thing that really tells me what sort of person someone is, it’s the way they interact with waiters and waitresses when eating at a restaurant. The more poorly you treat these people, the more likely it is that you’re an absolute fuckwit that should be drowned in a barrel full of a combination of venomous sea snakes and vicious electric eels. I distinctly remember one New Year’s Day in Hobart after the Falls Festival when I was roped into going out for lunch at a café in town with a group of friends and acquaintances. The place specialised in sandwiches, all of which were detailed succinctly on the laminated menus adorning our tables…

So, the waitress comes out takes the orders…

Pain in the ass acquaintance – “Hi, I would like the club sandwich, but I’d really like to have it on Rye?”

Waitress – “Sorry, we don’t have Rye. The breads we do have are on the menu”

Pain in the ass acquaintance – “I’m sorry but I really don’t like any of those breads, I’d like it on Rye thanks…”

Waitress – “I’m very sorry but as I said, we don’t have Rye bread. We have Sourdough though?”

Pain in the ass acquaintance – “Seriously, you don’t have any Rye? How could you not have Rye? This is unbelievable. Guys, what type of bread should I have? This place doesn’t even have Rye. Can you believe it? Oh, well I guess, seeing as you don’t have Rye, I’ll just have multigrain (long sigh…). What is this place anyway? I can’t believe you don’t have Rye.”

Waitress – “Okay. Apologies for not having Rye bread (said through gritted teeth).

Why someone would make a point of not only asking for a bread type not on the menu, but then belittling the poor waitress for not having it when it wasn’t listed is beyond me. It’s like going to McDonalds and asking for a Zinger burger. What sort of uppity cunt insists on Rye bread in the first place anyway? Surely there are substitute goods; you don’t necessarily have to be solely a Rye bread eater (unless you’re a fuckhead).

Anyway, while this was going on, I was sitting at the other end of the table, sunburnt, hungover, feeling like utter shit and getting progressively more furious at this ridiculous bitch with every mention of the word ‘Rye’. Every time I see Rye bread mentioned anywhere now it takes me back to that shitty outdoor table in the thoroughly depressing Elizabeth Street Mall in Hobart. It makes me want to flagellate myself like an albino in a Dan Brown novel.

I haven’t eaten Rye bread since.

/end communication