Please accept my apologies in advance should tonight’s edition not set the World on fire in terms of its construction and content; I was up until 2am last night watching YouTube videos of Lana Del Ray (absolutely mesmerising…) and I’m half-cut from having froffies down the road in Carlton with some blokes from my footy club (midweek froffies, as you do). Oh boy, it’s fucking Thursday!

I’ve already expressed my disdain for the Australian hip-hop community, but I’m not leaving the sum of my works regarding this topic to a single rant about The Hilltop Hoods; it’s not just ‘the Hoods’ tearing the fabric of modern Australian society apart with their truly fucking awful hijacking of an element of American culture with a horrendous Australian twist, there are other, just as guilty parties involved in this crime (and believe me when I say it’s truly fucking criminal). Indeed, by the time December rolls around I’ll have a veritable tome, a compendium if you will, of rants about how shit Aussie hip-hop is.

One of the truly awful things I’ve been exposed to in the last decade (almost as awful as the time I unknowingly walked in on a 70 year old man proudly towelling his balls in a gym locker room in full view of anyone with functioning eyeballs) is the burgeoning Australian ‘battle rap’ scene. If you were unaware that such a scene existed, prepare for your education… There are a number of videos up on YouTube, a number of of them filmed at the Melbourne licenced establishment ‘Laundry Bar’, in Fitzroy, literally just down the road from where I’m typing this hateful message, capturing a revolving door of Australian hip-hop ‘artists’ (deliberately in inverted commas because what they do is definitely not art) battling it out against each other a Capella style while a captive audience watches on, supposedly willingly, although I find this part hard to believe. Personally, I would rather gently lower my testicles into a food processor running at full speed than be subjected to the horrors of such a situation.

You only have to look at the video I’ve attached to truly understand how fucked battle rapping is in Australia (once you’ve suffered through the 3 minutes of truly awful low-rent advertisements at the start of the clip). The culture is so completely, utterly fucked that it beggars belief; the entire aim of most rappers is to drop some ‘sweet line’ about how their opponent is a faggot, or something similarly redundant, or perhaps a line about how his mother is a cock-loving whore. You’re really getting it done though if you can degrade another person based on their race or physical appearance…

The whole process is so awkward and forced – there’s no ‘flow’ to speak of. It’s just two meatheads trying to make fun of each other while other people watch on with their dicks and/or pussies in their hands. Jurassic 5 would be so upset with this…

Laundry Bar is just down the road… maybe I’ll drop in and present my superior oratorical ‘skillz’ to the impatiently waiting masses.

MC Bankingcommish will take no prisoners, bogan or otherwise…

/end communication

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