The Australian Olympic swimming team is in the news for all the wrong reasons (yet again) after it was revealed that there were several cases of ‘boys behaving badly’ at the recent London Olympics, including claims of ‘Stillnox initiations’, late night prank calling and door knocking, bullying of younger swimmers and general bouts of childish cuntishness. These athletes aren’t 12 years old, which makes it all the more difficult to fathom why they’re running around doorknocking in the Olympic village at all hours of the night like they’re in the middle of a giant Year 6 slumber party.

That horseshit isn’t newsworthy. If you insist on reporting this tripe, I want stories of swimmers off their faces on high-grade cocaine accidentally killing the midget hooker they dragged back to the village after paying for it on the team MasterCard, not a few fully grown men having a giggle as they run down a hallway after waking a teammate up.

Wow, that’s so bad ass.

(As an aside, why is in that the majority of Australian swimmers have bizarre last names? Seehbohm, Schlanger, Magnussen, D’Orsogna, Kowalski, Huegill… what happened to the ‘Jack Smith’ types? )

There have been some highly critical comments aired in the media over the last several days from bit-player Tommaso D’Orsogna relating specifically to the wild behaviour of the men’s relay team. There has also been a ‘Twitter war’ (seriously reporters, STOP FUCKING REPORTING ON TWITTER, IT’S NOT REAL NEWS) between veteran thin-fat-thin swimmer Geoff Huegill & gold medallist Melanie Schlanger. Schlanger was complaining about her income from swimming, which she referred to as her ‘job’ that she ‘works at’ 35 hours a week. She stated that her level of income was below the minimum wage. Huegill called her out for the whingeing fucktard that she clearly is.

Boo hoo, you absolute fucking sook Schlanger. You get to compete in a sport that you love, get flown all around the world and accommodated gratis in five star hotels while you do it. You get to represent your country on the world stage and compete against the best swimmers from other countries AND YOU GET PAID TO DO IT. Fuck, keeping fit and doing something that you love is so difficult. You’ve got it really tough Melanie, my heart fucking bleeds for you.

Perhaps if Schlanger wasn’t so busy being an incredibly un-photogenic, whiny piece of woe-is-me shit she might actually attract the attention of a major Australian corporation that’d sling her mad amounts of cash to endorse their product. I’ve never been less impressed with a gold medallist. Be better…

The petulant behaviour of an imploding Australian swimming team madly trying to rationalise their poor performances at the Games by throwing mud at each other is in stark contrast to the behaviour of our Paralympians.  Those guys were too busy winning motherfucking gold medals to whinge about how bad they’d had it despite having to overcome far greater obstacles than their able-bodied counterparts. Hey, Schlanger, ask a Paralympian how much they get paid a year to compete, you fuckhead.

/end communication