Here’s one for all the passive-aggressive fucktards out there. At some stage in everyone’s life, they will have encountered one of these utter cunts, either as a housemate, a workmate or just generally in the course of living their own lives. Passive-aggressive people are generally identified by their penchant for leaving sticky notes or letters written from the perspectives of inanimate objects on absolutely everything, huffing loudly to illustrate a point or making a huge deal out of something that isn’t and insisting that ‘they’ll take care of it’ because ‘it’s too difficult for anyone else to do anyway’.

The most common form of passive-aggressive communication is the written note. Why? Because the types of people that indulge in this type of behaviour are far too gutless to have a face-to-face confrontation to get their point across. Of all the note writing methods employed by these people (trying to use humour to eliminate hostility, being overly thankful in a compensatory manner, using some sort of spurious fact to support their argument etc.) the most humorous to me is when they write the note from the point of view of the object that is being mistreated or mishandled in the first person in some sort of anthropomorphic sick joke.

I’ll give the following example from the point of view of a workplace dishwashing machine.

“Hi guys. As you know, I’m responsible for washing your dishes. It’s a job that I do every week for you without complaining. One thing I have noticed lately is that some of you aren’t rinsing the scraps off your plates before putting them in me. This clogs me up and makes me sad L. Make sure you sweep those scraps off so that I can keep washing those plates for you so that you don’t have to. Enjoy your lunch!”

Fuck passive-aggressive people. I recommend my patented ‘aggressive-aggressive’ response whenever you’re exposed to one of these chinless wonders. The process is simple. You’ll need to ensure that you carry a black medium-point felt tip marker with you everywhere you go so that you can sufficiently alter any note that you encounter on your travels. (Feel free to add some form of cartoonish genitalia if you feel it’ll add to your amendment, in my experience, it certainly helps). If you happen to be spoken to in a passive-aggressive manner, simply stare the person in the face and call them out (and feel free to make some sort of throat-slitting motion as you do it). I find that the repetition method, whereby you repeat your direct question in order to ascertain if the person actually wants you to do something or is merely being a fuckwit works particularly well.

“Do you want me to help you?”

“DO you want me to help you?”

“DO you want me to help you?”

“Well then stop pouting like a spoilt child and do it your fucking self, you whingeing, mopey, passive-aggressive cunt.”

/end communication