Nothing seems to create more media buzz than the release of a new Apple product, however minute the improvements over the previous incarnation may be. Seriously, if I have to read one more fucking news headline about the newly released iPhone 5 I’m going to walk into the nearest Apple store and choke the first ‘Apple genius’ I see with the commandeered power cord from the closest iBook. You know Apple geniuses, right? They’re the frumpy, balding, 30-something men with poor posture, poor hygiene and a predisposition to covertly peeking at softcore upskirt porn websites on their work-issued iPhones that they wear around their necks like an Olympic gold medals while on the sales floor, one hand assumedly (but not actually) appearing to jingle keys in one of their pockets. What a bunch of creeps.

A quick disclaimer; I have an iPhone 4S, an iPod Classic and an iPod Nano. I got given the Nano by my work (free), the Classic replaced an iRiver that died on extended warranty (free – four and a half years into a five year extended warranty – glorious) and I think I’m paying about $12 a month for the iPhone 4S with my phone contract. I’m by no means saying that any of these devices are shit, but I’m not about to line up for 36 hours to buy the device that replaces them either. They serve a purpose, can’t that be enough? Do we have to have some sort of weird emotional relationship with inanimate electronic objects?

You only have to Youtube (I hate that Youtube is now a verb, fuck you America) a video of an Apple store opening to see the types of depraved maniacs that Apple attracts. A bunch of sycophantic freaks all fapping merrily away in the immensely snaking line at the front of the store, waiting to get their hands on the next bit of new technology made by small, underpaid Chinese hands in some nondescript Eastern megafactory on the Asian continent. Apple fanboys and girls revere founder Steve Jobs as if he was The Messiah. From all accounts, Steve Jobs was an absolute cunt and absolutely impossible to work with, but you can’t say bad things about a dead person now can you, because that’d be uncouth…


The amount of Apple laptops (or MacBooks if you’re that way inclined) being sold has also risen exponentially in the last couple of years. Generally it’s to people in marketing or a similar discipline, where the aesthetics of a product are far more important than its functionality and capabilities within the workplace environment (just like the staff, zing!)

Geeks don’t buy Macs. They just don’t. They like high-performance and the ability to customise their equipment to suit specific tasks. Macs provide neither. Do a quick straw poll at your nearest LAN Party and it’ll become quickly apparent that anyone who knows anything about computers steers well clear of Macs. Why? It’s because they cost roughly twice as much as normal PCs, are half as powerful and about a quarter as logical to operate.

People who own Apple laptops are quick to respond to claims such as these with comments like, “…but my Mac is so much better at video editing than a PC”. Most people who give this response only use their $2,000 MacBook Pro to check their Tumblr page and browse The Iconic while sitting in Starbucks pretending to write a Uni assignment/novel/paid fashion blog. What a monumental waste of fucking money (the coffee is shit too).

Oh and Apple, you can take your one-button mouse and stick it up Steve Jobs’ ass.

I’ll pry the crypt open…

/end communication