I was perusing the annals of Youtube this evening in search of the truly fantastic track by American alt-weirdos Ween titled ‘Your Party’ which is possibly one of the best examples of why the saxophone doesn’t deserve to be omitted as a musical instrument in current popular music. Please refer to this clip from 1987 teenage coming-of-age cult classic vampire horror movie The Lost Boys, starring a young Kiefer Sutherland and a dead Corey Haim for another fine example. I found the track that I was looking for and clicked on it, expecting to be greeted with the familiar shuffle of some jazz drums when I was rudely awoken by a truly gaudy advertisement for American band Maroon 5’s new album, ‘Overexposed’.

Despite the Ween song being just over 4 minutes in duration, I was forced to sit through a 30 second ad (approximately 12.5% of the running time of the song itself) for this utter pile of shit, including the smash-hit ‘Payphone’ which is essentially a song about Adam Levine ringing a girl that he wants to fuck/has fucked/cheated on/whatever from a payphone while cars explode for no reason in the background. Here’s the chorus. It’s almost Shakespearean, such is its poetry and its eloquence…

Almost…

I’m at a payphone trying to call home
All of my change I spent on you
Where have the times gone
Baby it’s all wrong, where are the plans we made for two?

Honestly, what the fuck? The clip has got over 60 million views. Oh how I fear for humanity. The most fucked part of all of this is that Maroon 5 are undoubtedly making serious amounts of money from this utter shit, not only from record sales (via iTunes, no tween fuckbag is going to a record store to buy this, it’s all digital 24/7 baby yeah!) but from advertising for other shit bands on their YouTube page when these genital-grinding tween freaks search for Levine strutting his stuff like a fucking douchebag.

Saxophones – always cool.

Watch the video here. The music is secondary (kind of like elevator music) to the video itself, which basically consists of some armed robbers breaking into a Bank where Levine works (presumably as some sort of manager, judging from his comically large glasses and apparent immersion in the daily grind). He decides to shoot a few robbers and make a run for it with a hot office girl for no apparent reason.

Levine escapes intact with his amazingly attractive accomplice/hostage/eye-candy in tow and proceeds to then run from the police for apparently no reason in a conveniently parked high-performance sports car. The stilted, bolted-on verse from major label-whoring ‘rapper’ Wiz Khalifa solidifies this as a truly generic, formulaic slice of homogenised pop shit.

In real life, he would’ve been mown down in the space of about 10 seconds, his disembowelled corpse spewing blood and assorted remnants of vital organs across the other hostages as he careens over the Bank counter, shits himself and dies.

Now that’s a music video I’d happily buy from iTunes.

/end communication

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