God damn it. I’ve been in the Melbourne CBD (I don’t know if anyone over here calls it that) for all of this week on a training course instead of journeying out to the suburban paradise of Box Hill. (As a side note, I find it pretty much impossible to keep my eyes open in a classroom environment these days, which has made it somewhat awkward between the facilitator and I around 3pm when I start dozing off).

Having absolutely no idea where I am in the middle of the city, my lunch breaks so far this week have consisted of me traversing a completely random selection of streets until I stumble across a place for lunch that doesn’t make me recoil in horror. That said, I had a copious amount of froffies on Monday night while I watched the Brownlow medal count (well done to J Watson) and was seeking something outright rank and suitably fried to try and sate the vicious hangover looming over me like an expectant paedophile at the back of the presbytery, altar boy in hand…

I stumbled across ‘Lord of the Fries’, which appeared to be a place that sold fries & hamburgers. Indeed, it looked suitably busted and the exact sort of thing that was going to get me out of my midweek hangover rut. I ordered some chips and a ‘Big Mark’ burger, listed as having ‘LOTF patty, cheese, pickles, onion, lettuce & Lord’s sauce’.

Fake hamburgers – blasphemous.

I took it back to the office and ate it. Everything was going fine until one of the other guys on the training course advised me that Lord of the Fries is a vegetarian restaurant.

“There’s no way”, I said, “I just ate a hamburger from there…”

One of the women on the training course confirmed the initial report. I’d just accidentally purchased and eaten a vegetarian hamburger.

What. The. Fuck!

I honestly felt that I’d been raped. (I love the thought of Germaine Greer reading that sentence. “How dare you compare accidentally eating a vegie burger to a man sexually assaulting a woman, you chauvinist pig.”)

Of course, my dismay was so obvious that the rest of the training group started roaring with laughter. I was seriously quite shaken up by the whole thing. One of the other girls looked up Lord of the Fries on the Internet and read the following excerpt.

‘Our patties have the look, taste, and texture of beef or chicken with virtually no fat. The patties are made from textured vegetable protein.’

You sneaky motherfuckers! What the fuck is ‘textured vegetable protein’ anyway? Sounds vaguely menacing to me…

I had to buy some super low-grade Angus beef burgers at Coles that evening and cook them on the BBQ in order to restore balance to the Universe (and my soul).

Vegetarians are the first to cry about it when they’ve accidentally eaten meat without giving their consent, but what about the poor carnivores being covertly fed weird meat substitutes disguised as hamburgers? Where’s our justice?

Fucking double standards…

/end communication