I read an interesting news article today whilst perusing that incredibly knowledgeable oracle, that veritable tome of thought-provoking, stimulating and insightful journalistic brilliance, www.news.com.au, about a girl in the United Kingdom that had to have her stomach surgically removed after drinking a cocktail infused with liquid nitrogen while celebrating her 18th birthday party. Gaby Scanlon decided to order a ‘Pornstar Martini’ containing liquid nitrogen and champagne for the $14 AUD (9 quid). Bargain…

You didn’t read that sentence wrong by the way, apparently the infusion of this highly dangerous substance into alcoholic drinks is becoming common practice, even in Australia (in Sydney, of course, those fuckers love being cutting edge up there with their skinny jeans, their stupid hair and their awful, awful indie music.)

Of course, this is total news to me. I really didn’t think that liquid nitrogen would be the type of thing you’d put inside your body unless you actually wanted to kill yourself. How obtuse of me…

By the way, what a name for a drink! ‘Pornstar Martini’, I mean seriously, what does it come with, half a blister pack of Vicodin and a botched breast enlargement? If I saw that on the menu at a cocktail bar, I would not be ordering it, period (which incidentally, a pornstar would probably skip in order to maximise their earnings potential each month).

Cool, sure, but not cool enough to survive liquid nitrogen.

I know of three uses for liquid nitrogen and none of them involve drinking it and expecting to keep your stomach;

1)      Used by matronly nurses to burn the warts off of people’s hands and God knows where else – by the way, all of you fucking disgust me.

2)      Used as part of thought-provoking showpieces at the types of parties that Kayne West would rap at for copious amounts of money, most likely for a spoilt 16 year-old who will, in time, have spent so much of their family’s accumulated wealth that their children will be forced to forgo their Super Sweet 16 parties, leading to a life of social exclusion and eventually suicide by gassing themselves in the family saloon, incidentally a dated Lexus on lease terms. Oh, the irony.

Actually, I think point 2 is ‘dry ice’…

3)      Used as an effective agent in killing the until-then unstoppable T1000 Terminator in Terminator II – Judgement Day (one of the best movies of all time despite the lack of logic in the plot). See this clip for a reference.

I guess the moral of the story is, “Don’t drink liquid nitrogen unless you’ve got the stomach for it.”

I’m not actually leaving it at that, as that moral doesn’t really make sense. She had the stomach, THEN the liquid nitrogen perforated it and NOW she’s bereft of food womb. See how the structure of the sentence is wrong? It’s all wrong, really.

It seems that some human beings just love putting things in themselves that don’t belong. Just ask one of your doctor friends about some of their amusing ER experiences.

That’s the moral of the story. Some people just want to see how far up their arse they can fit a candle…

Oh well, it takes all shapes and sizes I guess.

/end communication