This weekend, my housemates & I held our Tiki-themed housewarming party at our joint in Princes Hill, a suburb so small that I could throw a Vortex ball in any direction and have it land in the next suburb. We commandeered the services of one of our carpenter mates to build a bar in our backyard with an ice-box so large built into it that you could store a few dead bodies on ice in there if you wanted to.

If you wanted to…

House parties are, in my opinion, far superior to going out on the town and drinking $12 pints while some wannabe twat in a clearly branded Dolce & Gabbana shirt plays a TV Rock/Shakira mashup on the club P.A.  This is generally due to there being far less oiled up douches at house parties & also due to the beer being significantly cheaper. However, when you’re hosting the party yourself, the build-up can often be a little nerve wracking as you run through the worst case scenarios in your head. The last thing I want is my face on A Current Affair, Corey Worthington style (whatever happened to that useless cunt anyway?) while some pandering fuckface of a news anchor (like that puffy old whore Tracy Grimshaw) peppers me with questions about the morality of my actions like she’s the unassailable gatekeeper of Australian class.

I’m glad to report that the night went off without a hitch (other than me viciously burning the back of my hand on a gas patio heater when I decided it looked like a good place to lean for a moment… what a fucking idiot).

A few notes on house parties for anyone considering holding one in future.

1)      Smoke machines are a worthwhile investment in the future of your home. They are now relatively inexpensive (around $40 from a party-hire store) and make a welcome addition to any suburban dance floor.

2)      Make a copious amount of punch. Be sure it’s drinkable enough that people actually drink it, but also ensure that it’s alcoholic enough that it takes some casualties along the way. Not all soldiers get to make it back home, after all. Goon should always form the ‘base’ of your concoction, but make sure to add in a bottle of cheap vodka for added grunt. Mask the taste of cheap alcohol with some tasty soft drink & add a bottle of Blue Curacao for colour.

3)      Hire a P.A. – nobody wants to hear the speakers out of your bedroom whining with electronic pain as you push them to max volume because, “I really like this Rick Springfield song.”

4)      Drink the day after the party – it’s the only thing that’ll get rid of the woodpecker gnawing at your brain from the inside out.

5)      Buy bendy straws – everyone fucking loves drinking out of bendy straws.


/end communication