I went to Oktoberfest in Germany last year. It’s possibly one of the most joyous places I’ve ever visited. I nearly cried with joy when I passed through the entrance of the Paulaner tent… There are people drinking gigantic steins of beer around every corner, bands playing Oom-Pah music in beer halls so large that it would take you minutes to run from one side to the other & girls wearing dirndls nonchalantly wandering everywhere.

Dirndls…

Thinking about it now brings a tear of joy to my eye…

One sad story… at the end of one of the nights we had there, myself and a few mates (pissed out of our eyeballs) decided to hop on board a rollercoaster that appeared to be a bit of leftover kit from the Munich Olympic Games. It was one of those older-style enclosed car roller coasters with the locking mechanism that goes across your legs, however it actually did 5 upside-down loop-de-loops (through each of the Olympic Rings… how sporting!) To be honest, it looked pretty fucking gnarly.

Those crazy Krauts!

Anyway, we purchased a ticket each and stumbled our way to the front of the line until, finally, it was our turn. I sat down in the seat and quickly realised that my legs were far too long to fit inside the car without sitting side-saddle (the way in which I fly on any domestic air route – painfully). This spelt huge problems for me as it prevented me from being able to lock the locking mechanism down across my legs, meaning that as soon as the coaster became inverted I’d take a horrific plunge to certain death midway through the blue ring, covering the floodlit Munich festival grounds with Australian brain matter.

Unperturbed by this (clearly too fucked to have any idea of the ramifications of my obstinacy) I pleaded with the stern German ride master, making spurious comments like, “I’ll be okay, I’ll just hang on really tight”, to try and change his mind. His response to all of this was, “No, you much too tall, you get out or you die, stupid man” which I found amusing & sobering in equal measure.

So, my ticket refunded and my heart crushed, I stood alone at the fence just beyond the ticket booth, watching on mournfully with my hands gripping the cold, unrelenting steel as my friends rocketed around the most amazing place in the entire Universe upside down with stupid, pissed grins on their faces.

And I can’t even dunk a fucking basketball…

/end communication

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