I knew I shouldn’t have updated my iPhone to i0S6. I had a feeling that it’d end badly. What a fucking joke! I got caught up in the hype of the cult of Apple that pervaded my senses in every form of media & followed the crowd meekly into update land. I really wish I hadn’t… For the first 48 hours after the update I couldn’t connect to the Internet at all & now I’m stuck with this fucking joke of a proprietary maps system (no more Google Maps) which I can honestly say is one of the biggest pieces of shit I’ve ever had the displeasure of having to use. I feel like digging Steve Jobs up and punching him in his bony face.


Melways – idiot proof.

Everyone raved when the new ‘Apple Maps’ was first revealed, cooing at the detail provided by the 3D & satellite views at the product release press conference like feeding infants in close proximity to the swollen breastfeeding nipple of a new mother. Of course, behind the scenes Apple was effectively removing any trace of Google from their phones due to the increasing dominance of the Android-powered (an operating system designed by Google found on the majority of non-Apple devices) suite of smart phones, which everyone seems to buy but nobody seems to self-satisfy themselves over… Bizarre how that happens, isn’t it?

Anyway, my frustration with Apple Maps reached fever-pitch today when I had to drive into Docklands to meet a client who had to execute some documents which I then had to drop at their real-estate agent’s offices in South Melbourne. This pursuit is tiresome at the best of times. Now, I’m the first to admit that I have absolutely no fucking idea where I am going in Melbourne, but my trusty old pal Google Maps has been like a comforting blanket, shielding me from my burgeoning navigational ineptitude since I’ve been situated in the big smoke. Trusty, hardy, dependable, knowledgeable; I compare Google Maps to a scruffy old dog with grey whiskers that reads you poetry sitting upright in a rocking chair as you go to sleep. Maybe the dog is wearing spectacles… I just don’t know, but what I do know is that Google Maps made me feel that I was never lost, and that’s important to a guy whose idea of a long commute was previously the five minutes it took to walk from his apartment to the middle of Hobart.

Today, Apple Maps managed to lead me into bottlenecks, traffic jams, incorrect streets, streets I couldn’t turn off from (despite the program telling me I could), didn’t update my location fast enough (causing me to miss turn-offs), showed my location as being in streets that I wasn’t in & was generally just a piece of shit that was about as useful as a laughter track at a Martin Lawrence stand-up gig. If Apple Maps were a person, today I would’ve stabbed it repeatedly and rag-dolled its dead body into a bin. I DON’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOUR 3D MAPS – JUST SHOW ME WHERE TO FUCKING GO.

Fuck it, just get me a fucking Melways already…

/end communication