Horse-racing, I just don’t get the attraction. It seems that as soon as the football season is over, the focus of the collective media magnifying glass seems to viciously shift from the footy to coverage of the upcoming spring racing carnival, coverage so detailed that it captures the events at a molecular level. D-Grade celebrities are wheeled out from the States and paraded around as if they’re huge drawcards that Australians should consider themselves lucky to be in the presence of (Carson Kressley anyone?) & even more obscure celebrities are created from the burgeoning stocks of sometimes models & off-season footballers in our own country in order to fill the social pages of shit-rags like The Herald Sun. Yay.

I mean, sure, I understand why some people go bananas over it – Everyone gets the chance to wear hats that they couldn’t get away with anywhere else (if you see a man wearing a fedora and a single-vented suit that he could have potentially stolen from the set of Mad Men, kick him in the testicles as hard as you can while shouting, “You are not Don Draper!” repeatedly while crossing your index fingers over each other like you’re warding off a vampire, it’s the only way he’ll learn). Also, the chance to have ‘a flutter’ and bet some money on the horses is always a big drawcard.

High fashion – means sweating like a hog in 30 degree Australian heat while looking like a dandy. Intelligent.

I’ve got mates that are quite knowledgeable when it comes to horseracing & could tell you the differences between horses dependent on the respective styles of each of their trainers (apparently Gai Waterhouse horses are taught to lead out hard and this isn’t always a good thing?) & the effect that this can have on race results. Personally, I gain about as much from reading the form guide as I do from reading Kanji script via a mirror.

I say that there are too many variables to ever be backing a ‘sure thing’ in a horse race. Collusion, back-room deals, tampering (remember the scandal a few years back when Bold Personality had its hind legs painted white to act as a ring-in for Fine Cotton? Mental…) I don’t know how anyone could be 100% confident that any horse race is run on a level playing field. There’s too much money to be made and too many ways to be deceitful in order to gain a competitive and financial advantage for my liking. Give me a dishlicker any day – when there’s no human on their back, the margin for skulduggery is greatly diminished.

Also, fucks like Alex Perry tend to be there, and I fucking hate that guy.

“Should’ve gone to SpecSavers.”


/end communication