As I’m still a relatively new addition to the big smoke, I don’t really know of that many decent places to go out for dinner in Melbourne, so when I’ve got to go out I generally search on Urbanspoon to find out whether or not the place is any good or not. I’m going to stop using it, because if you actually took that website seriously, you’d never fucking go anywhere for all the awful things written about basically every restaurant on the site. That, and the ratings are completely inaccurate; I’ve stumbled into places by accident and eaten there, it’s been great, and then I’ve gone back to the computer later on in the week and found out that Urbanspoon ‘doesn’t like it.’ Whatever.

If you aren’t aware of what this website is, have a look at Basically, it provides an encyclopaedia of all the different places to eat in Australia and you can rate any restaurant you go to and write a review about it if you want (lots of people do).

I don’t understand what drives people to go to websites like this to actually write a review on the meal that they’ve just had. It blows my mind, to be honest. Not only that, but the majority of the negative reviews written on the site are by people who clearly have some sort of incurable mental disorder, with standards so high as to be completely impossible to satisfy. No silly, you should not expect to get comprehensive table service at a place that serves counter meals, you cunt.

The reviews sent in from mobile phones are the most perplexing; this means that the person responsible for the review is actually taking time out from their evening at the restaurant they are reviewing to write the review itself. It’s so fucking bizarre.

And don’t even get me fucking started about This website is the travel equivalent of Urbanspoon, and is almost exclusively populated by dickheads with expectations so high that they’d send a black pearl back if it wasn’t perfectly spherical. Fuckheads. Here’s my take on a typical excerpt from some 50 year-old middle-class, silver-haired Ralph Lauren sweater-wearing douchebag on a holiday to some South-East Asian holiday destination ostensibly for a relaxing week with his family, but realistically so that he can slink away in the dead of night and end up balls-deep in some disease ridden transsexual sex worker for the equivalent of $30 AUD.

Ahhh, travel!

“My family and I were looking forward to a relaxing week amongst the palm trees at this supposed tropical paradise. How wrong I was… there weren’t even enough towels for my children to go to the swimming pool. They had to go and get extra towels from the pool house. And they call this 5 star? You must be joking! I won’t be going back, and I’ll be telling all of my friends about how awful the service is at this place.”

This, from the same guy riding bareback…

/end communication