I started going to the gym again this week after what seems like an eternity without stepping foot in one. Awful, I know. I’ve got to say, I do feel a bit better for it, aside from the fact that I can’t stretch my arms out completely at the moment without crying like a toddler. (Bit off a little more than I could chew on Tuesday). Now, don’t get me wrong, this isn’t me subtly bringing everyone’s attention to the fact that I’ve been working out (there will be no checking in at the University Gym on social media from me, you have my word), it’s more of a framework that I’ve set in order to describe some of the less impressive aspects of throwing tin around in the company of strangers.

1)      Guys that make undue noise when lifting weights.

Really? Is it really fucking necessary to grunt like you’re passing a gallstone when you squat/bench/curl/press? It’s completely off-putting and reeks of you wanting everyone to look at you while you lift some ridiculous amount of weight with incredibly poor technique while your juiced up douchebag homies watch on in awe with their sweaty, erect little cocks in their hands. Shut the fuck up.

2)      People that try to initiate conversation in the gym.

I’m not here for a fucking social experience. I’m here to do my thing (whatever it might be) in a solitary environment with no interruptions whatsoever. That’s why I’m wearing headphones, you fucking muppet. I don’t want to meet you. I don’t want to speak to you. I’m sweaty, my face is red and your attempts to speak to me make me incredibly unhappy.

3)      Guys that drop the weights unnecessarily after they’ve finished a set.

Okay, I get it, okay. The weight was heavy. However, is it really that difficult to place the thing on the ground after you’ve finished, instead of dropping it from head height? I mean, this isn’t the super heavyweight clean and jerk at the Olympics, you’re shoulder-pressing 40 kilos for fucks sake. Stop being a hero, you aren’t impressing anyone. You’re also making my headache worse, you cunt.

4)      Guys that try to hit on chicks at the gym.

I remember back in my days in Hobart going to the gym, there was a guy who used to be there every single day that I went and he was always wearing the same thing; a pair of shitty jeans, a black singlet and Blundstone boots. He would strut around the gym like a peacock, his blonde pony-tailed hair pulled back nice and tight so that everybody could see how unattractive he was. I went to that gym for 7 years and I didn’t see a discernible change in his body throughout that whole time. It was mind boggling. I had no idea what he was doing (and I doubt he did either).

Anyway, he used to always try and hit on this girl that worked out there, but in a really depressing, creepy kind of way, by commenting on her form and attempting to encourage her while she was mid-way through an exercise. She clearly fucking hated it but that didn’t stop him from doing it.

This same guy was guilty of offences 1, 2, & 3 listed above.

Also, who the fuck wears Blundstones to a gym?

/end communication