Oh lordy. My team got up yesterday in my mates annual birthday cricket game by a huge amount of runs and I won M.V.P. for my barnstorming effort swinging the bat like a rusty gate in perpetuity behind the crease (I have absolutely no skill as a cricketer at all, let’s get that one thing straight). Coming in at number 9, I hit two of the biggest sixes of all time in that game, both over mid-on (as it’s the only place that I can hit a cricket ball) and went on to make what some would call a game winning last wicket stand with the last batsman in (we scored 65 off of about fuck all balls). One of the sixes I hit cleared the tree line at our suburban ground next to the hospital in Flemington. I backed up my batting effort by bowling a solid over of right arm spin (there was no spin whatsoever) that only went for 5 runs.

One thing that I don’t understand is guys ditching their mates as soon as they get some semblance of a girlfriend. It’s ridiculous. I mean, I understand that in the formative stages of a relationship it’s important to be attentive and give a significant amount of time to your new partner, but there’s a huge difference between making sure that you’re giving adequate face-time to your new squeeze and maintaining relationships with friends that you’ve known for nigh on a decade.

Let’s get real here; most relationships last for a couple of years. Relationships with your mates generally last until you die. So, taking this into account, is it realistic to become a complete stranger to your friends during the courting phase of whatever the fuck it is that you’re doing? That’s a rhetorical question, of course it fucking isn’t! There’s absolutely no point ruining long-standing relationships that you’ve built over years with your good friends for something that may or may not ending up being worth anything at all.

There’s a word for this type of behaviour. It’s called being ‘lads dead’. Generally, the individual involved will have altered their behaviour so significantly as to be obvious to the rest of their friendship group. This involves ceasing activities that one would normally undertake, such as drinking booze with your mates, allocating time to out-of-state mates who’ve made the considerable effort to fly to your state to catch up with you, staying out to at least midnight on the weekend and being a good bloke.

Remember, your acquisition of a ‘life partner’ (I’m not pigeon-holing here… or corn-holing) should not necessitate your transformation from a decent bloke to a lovestruck douchebag.

Fuck off.

/end communication.