That time of the year has come again; the time when media feigns outrage as school leavers flock to the Gold Coast to take copious amounts of Class A drugs, drink ludicrous amounts of RTDs (Red Bears, anyone?) and have unprotected sex with multiple partners in all manner of interesting seaside locations, ensuring that a nice new iPod dock isn’t the only thing that some people will be being surprised by for Christmas this year. (6 weeks later, get it?)

Honestly, I could give two shits what these people do. Sure, they’ve busted their arses studying for the last two years, so it’s completely understandable that they’d want to go and let off some steam. It seems that every second news story I read is about a schoolie standing drunkenly on a ledge, a schoolie getting into a fight in a bar, a schoolie OD’ing on cocaine, a schoolie passing out and being degraded by other schoolies, a schoolie trying to drink the contents of a minibar through a beer bong blah blah blah blah fucking blah! Just fuck off already. Sure, some of them will die, but they’re generally the really stupid ones that try to jump moving cars and jump off 10-storey high buildings into swimming pools. That’s just evolution at work.

And all of this talk about naked photos of schoolies going up on Instagram and Facebook as if people have only just started taking naked photos of themselves in the last 12 months. News agencies get this desire to wheel in some media expert to pass comment on the horrific consequences of a drunken photographic mistake as if nobody understands regret in 2012.

“Yes, what these schoolies need to understand is that although they might be having the night of their lives, they risk possible humiliation as whatever goes online, stays online forever. Potential employers may one day pass these children over for a role due to finding something unsavoury on social media.”

Someone pays these cunts to make redundant statements like the one I knocked above (which I wrote in 20 seconds in my underpants). All they need now is Russel Crowe riding into frame on the back of a majestic stallion, shouting, “What we do in life echoes in eternity…” and the ridiculousness will be complete.

What I don’t understand is why people allow their faces to be captured in these ‘compromising’ happy snaps. I mean, if I ever felt inclined to send a picture of my dick to someone, I’d be making sure that you couldn’t see my face or any distinguishable items of clothing etc. That way, if anyone ever tried to accuse me of being the culprit, I’d have a clear way of arguing my point.

(Idiot) “You’re so disgusting, you sent my sister a picture of your dick…”

(Me) “What do you mean? That’s not my dick, do you see my face in the picture?”

(Idiot) “Well no, but I mean I know it’s your dick. I can just tell.”

(Me) “Have you ever seen my dick before?”

(Idiot) “No.”

(Me). “Well then, that’s not my dick. Has your sister seen this?”

/end communication