I’m on the home straight now! It’s December, motherfuckers! Only 28 more days to go until I can put the laptop away and never speak of this sordid pursuit again. I can taste the cash already. Sweet, beautiful cash… I bought a new Hawaiian shirt off eBay tonight in preparation for Falls. If I’m going to be offensive, I’m going to be offensive in comfort, God damn it!

I walked down to the gym today (trying to get something out of my Saturday other than a hangover) and must’ve stumbled across some sort of ‘small person’ Olympics. There were midgets absolutely everywhere, and they were all dressed in elaborate sports outfits. Tiny little sports outfits… I wondered for a moment if their little-person Skins legging were custom made, or just artfully rolled up to appear as if they were. Either way, they looked the part.  

I was about 50 metres away when I first spotted the congregation of midgets (or were they dwarves? I can never remember how to tell one from the other) and understood that it was bound to be a highly comical situation when I walked through their group. There was no other way to get to the gym than straight through, so I waded in, fully aware of how ridiculous it would look to anyone looking on from afar. It would be like Moses parting the Red Sea, except I would be Moses & the Red Sea would be a bunch of short people dressed in high-end work-out gear.

Sure enough, the universe conspired against me and as soon as I entered their midst, it was if an alarm had sounded in the minds of anyone within a 50 metre radius. Heads craned on necks to watch the freak wade through the assembled mass of little people. It would have looked as if one of the Ents from Lord of the Rings had loped through a bunch of Hobbits.

To be honest, I don’t think that being a midget would be all that bad. You’re pretty much a walk-up start to any Oompa-Loompa movie role, would get paid cash money for walking around on top of a bar pouring shots into people’s mouths and would never have an issue with air or rail travel. You’d always be able to find jeans long enough, wouldn’t have an issue finding shoes that fit & could sneak into a ball pit at a kids playground without people laughing at you.

I fucking love ball pits. If I ever build a house, it’s going to have a huge ball pit in it. I’m swim around in it like Scrooge McDuck in his big pile of money. Glorious.

/end communication