In the most recent Gulf War, the US military command commissioned a playing card company to produce a number of special decks of regular playing cards to their frontline troops detailing the most wanted members of Saddam Hussein’s administration. The higher the perceived ranking or wanted level of the enemy figure, the higher their card ranking would be (for example, the ace of spades was reserved for Saddam himself, whereas the two of spades was reserved for Baath party regional chairman Rashid Taan Kazim.

This ranking was mimicked for the other three suits in order of how wanted each individual was. The cards served as an educational tool for the troops, who would often be on base for extended periods passing the time with card games. It was a relatively inexpensive way to increase the chances that no member of the list would slip through a checkpoint or be missed by a US patrol.

I can’t help but think that this type of tool is wasted if its only utilization is in far-flung desert conflicts. Why aren’t we printing our top 52 ‘world’s biggest douche’ playing cards for distribution amongst the general public? It’s very important to ensure that arsetwats like Tom Waterhouse can’t take a tram ride without being ostracised for his douchebag-like demeanour by fellow commuters (not that he’d ever ride the tram, he’s too busy riding around in the back of his mother’s limousine, latched to her side, feeding greedily from her weathered, dry, floppy old teat to sustain himself for another week of getting rich out of other people’s misery).

Seriously, think about the possibilities? Choose the biggest 52 douchebags in Australia and educate everyone as to why they are a douche. I propose a paragraph underneath their photo to illustrate why they’ve made the list. Here’s my entry for Triple J’s ‘The Doctor’, Lindsay McDougall.

‘Is a 34 year-old ex-rocker (who dresses like an 25 year-old and uses the vernacular of an 18 year-old) from an average-at-best Australian punk band only famous for the lead singer’s nasaly voice and cutting lyrics, not his banal, generic guitar playing. Insists on being referred to as ‘The Doctor’ despite holding absolutely no medical credentials whatsoever. Has an amazing habit of dropping the names of musicians he has interacted with in the past in what some would assume is the hope that doing so will somehow validate his own existence. Is also a vegan and does faggy vegan shit.’

He’s not even a five of diamonds on my list.

/end communication