I ordered some clothes from www.theiconic.com.au earlier on in the week. They were at work waiting for me when I got in this morning and for once, they actually fit! It was pretty kick-ass to be honest, as most things I buy online get put in my closet and never come out again (kind of like Alan Jones). Also, they offer free returns (don’t even have to pay return postage) which makes the old obligatory (and incredibly fucking annoying) trip to a downtown retail outlet to purchase clothes a thing of the past. Never again will I have to feign politeness to some impossibly beautiful 20-something Uni student working in General Pants asking me questions about what I do as if she actually gives a shit.

“Oh wow, so you work in Finance? Oh my God, that’s so amazing!”

Lies! This, from the same girl who goes to Byron every summer and skips through sunny fields taking ‘totes random’ shots with some rare Japanese dual-frame film camera from the 70s that her father gave her for her 18th birthday, then she and her equally impossibly good-looking 20-something male partner develop the film in a homemade darkroom in their Fitzroy flat while listening to obscure 1970’s P-funk, pausing from time to profess their love for each other (which incidentally is also a lie, since both of them are so narcissistic that there’s absolutely no room in their respective lives for love for anyone else…)

Who am I kidding, nothing in General Pants has, does, or ever will fit me. Apart from the scarves… You can’t ever be too big for a scarf! (I guess you could be too big for a scarf, but you’d have to be proper big, you know, ‘bust a wall out of my house to winch me to hospital for a life-saving gastric bypass surgery big’. If you’re that big, you’re not shopping in General Pants, you’re buying lengths of non-descript fabric from Spotlight and cutting a head-sized hole in the middle to fashion a crude muumuu, using a curtain rope as a belt. Of course, for special occasions you might team a deep crimson velour length of fabric with a gold-flecked curtain rope (resplendent with matching tassels), ‘cause even fatties have to feel special, y’know?  

Where was I?

Oh yeah. So theiconic put free shit in most of the stuff they ship out to customers. For some reason, I received a copy of glossy magazine ‘Famous’ in my delivery today. What the fuck were they thinking?

“Well, this person has ordered two male XXL shirts, what free stuff can we give him? What would be just perfect I wonder? Oh, I know! A copy of Famous! I’m sure he’ll love that!”

They probably thought I was a bear… (Not the type that lives in the woods either.)

So what happened to the magazine? Well, I gleefully took a photo of my work-mate shredding it in our office’s industrial-strength paper shredder. It was glorious.  

Imagining Lady Gaga’s face getting all torn up on page 3 made me smile…

/end communication