What the fuck is up with Men’s Health (MH) magazine? I was talking to my housemate about the magazine the other day and he made a startling revelation. The content of that publication never changes! You could buy one in 2000 or one today and they’d all adhere to the same three basic tenants;

1)      Fare better with the opposite sex

I always love reading this section, not for any educational purposes, but for its ridiculousness. With snappy articles discussing ‘How to pick up on her 7 signs that she’s into you’, ‘Foods to get her in the mood’ or a litany of other examples equally as awful, I can only shudder with horror imagining the army of avid readers that throw themselves headlong into social situations with the opposite sex that they’ve completely misread due to taking the world of MH as gospel. Just awful.

2)      Eat healthier

This section is probably the one that frustrates me the most. Why? Because depending on what month of the year it is, the message is completely different. In March MH might be telling you to steer clear of red meat due to studies pointing to adverse health effects, while in August will praise it for its richness in protein, iron and associated health benefits. The articles discussing food will always be supported by a study from some obscure university somewhere too, regardless of what angle MH is taking.

‘A recent study by the University of Southern Uzbekistan found that consuming red meat at least 5 times a week greatly reduces the risk of heart diseases in males aged 29-32’.

Basically, you can find a study to support anything.

3)      Bulk up

Ah, the piece de resistance! This is where MH can really pray on its puny readership. It’s not enough that they fill their pages with full-page advertisements for every protein powder under the Sun, they also have a revolving door of hints and tricks to ‘get big’. Having never wanted to ‘get big’, I largely ignore this section. However, for the ectomorphs out there, the magazine swears by a new fad workout regime every month, often in direct conflict with the regime they published in their previous issue. I’m almost certain they revolve these articles too; after all, there’s only so many ways you can lift a barbell…

For all the grief I give women’s magazines such as New Idea and Famous, it’s clear that Men’s Health really isn’t all that much better. I doubt there’s even a team putting together Men’s Health; I think the editor probably just has a couple of thousand variations on the three topics listed above and cuts and pastes as necessary to fill the required amount of column inches every month (in between full page adverts for Longines, Tag Heuer and Mercedes, that is).

Also, I flatly refuse to eat goji berries. I don’t fucking care if they’re a super-food.

/end communication