Less than a week until the end of bankingcommish! Celebrations have already began, and I’m an absolute shell of a man right now. I’ve managed to get back to my house to sleep for the last 3 nights, just not in my bed. Last night I fell asleep in a chair in my parent’s living room with a half-eaten toasted ham sandwich in my hand (how good is Christmas ham? It’s fucking epic, that’s how good it is!) I woke up at 7.30 this morning and the sandwich was still in my hand. What an absolute trainwreck… You know you’re in a pretty busted physical state when the only thing that you absolutely KNOW is going to make you feel better is to start drinking again…

So, here we go.

I just caught a television commercial for that awful cooking show, ‘My Kitchen Rules’ in a commercial break for Today Tonight (which was on in the background while I ate dinner – I don’t deliberately watch that shit, I was just too lazy to walk the 5 metres to the other side of the room to get a remote and improve my situation). As if watching that absolute shit shack of a TV show isn’t bad enough, the network has to plug their new foodwank competition where teams from different states are pitted against each other in some sort of weird alternate reality where blokes cry like 16 year-old girls who’ve just been decimated by ‘their crush’ and people are significantly more abrasive and rude to each other whilst speaking in a faux past/present tense reserved only for competitive cooking shows. The thought of watching that show makes me want to throw myself feet first into an industrial food processor while ‘Monster Mash’ by Bobby Picket plays ironically in the background.

The guys they’ve got from Tassie look like two of the biggest douchebags of all time too; it’s a father and son team that have clearly been advised by the production company to play on the fact that they look very similar by wearing the same clothes & the same thick-rimmed glasses. It’s meant to be a light-hearted ‘like father, like son’ situation, but all it ends up doing is making the son look like a less impressive, slightly sickly-looking, sycophantic version of his father. I’m sure mainland Australians will look at it and think, “What a bunch of inbred fucking twats…”, further solidifying our reputation as a backwater dump full of mindless dickheads…

Whilst on the topic of food & ‘foodies’, if you as an individual take a photo of your food and write, “Nom Nom Nom” in the comments section, like Liam Neeson in ‘Taken’, I WILL find you…

I have a very specific set of skills…

I can also dance… a little.

/end communication

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