Well, here it is, another Christmas has come and (nearly) gone. Merry Christmas to all of you! – I hope your days were filled with copious amounts of ham, champagne, veiled insults to distant relatives and the receipt of generic bulk text messages from acquaintances you don’t even like, wishing you a ‘Merry Xmas’.  Seriously, what a waste of fucking time; that’s about as genuine as a stripper telling a guy, “I really like you, you’re not like those other guys…” at 4am in the morning after having another pineapple stuffedinto her well-travelled G-string.


I was having a conversation about Christmas gifts today when I was advised that someone had purchased an iPad for their three-year old daughter. THEIR THREE-YEAR OLD DAUGHTER! For fucks sake, that’s absolutely ridiculous. I’m sure their justification for purchasing such a ludicrous gift would be as follows…

“But there are so many great apps that are specifically designed for children on there. They’re really educational! You should see (insert shit name here) playing on it; he/she is already so advanced. With iPads being introduced to more & more schools, it makes total sense for (shit name) to be using them as soon as possible. I bet (insert shit name again) will be more of an expert than me by the time he/she is 8 or 9. Kids and their technology these days, hey! Crazy…”

What the fuck is wrong with normal childhood gifts? Give me a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles figurine or a fucking slingshot over some lame learning game where you’ve got to put cows in a field, or some other ‘educational’ horseshit. Fuck, give your child your car keys – that’ll keep them entertained for hours and you won’t have the issue of them trying to swipe their finger across a picture book like it’s an iPad (this is actually happening… totally fucked!)

What does this child get for their 10th birthday? A dedicated, hardwired high-volume share-trading platform? Mechanical engineering textbooks? Personal lectures in nuclear fission from visiting Russian professors? It’s so completely unnecessary. My eyes are fucked from looking at a computer screen all day and I’m 26. Imagine some poor kid (with a shit name) who’s been subjected to AMOLED screens since fucking birth! The horror!

Parents – if you buy iPads, buy them for yourselves. Don’t say that you’re purchasing a tablet for your kids’ education when the only reason you really want a tablet is to stream hard-core pornography while sitting on the toilet in your en-suite, weeping.

“How did it come to this?” (sob)

Note – ‘pineapple’ – slang for an Australian 50 dollar note. A ‘crayfish’ is a 20.  

/end communication