Is it any wonder why retail is dying in Australia when the levels of service that one would expect when buying things for approximately 200% more than you can obtain them for online is completely fucked? One of my mates went into a bike shop this afternoon to purchase a new hydraulic gear lever for his downhill mountain bike (I’m actually writing this to you from a downhill bike track outside of Forth (Paloona Dam to be precise)) and got some of the most completely fucked service I’ve ever witnessed (I was with him at the time).

The shop attendant had just finished servicing what was clearly a mentally handicapped man, then made the off-the-cuff remark to his workmates, “Your mate was here, I’m surprised you couldn’t smell him”, followed by, “Aww, isn’t he precious?”

What a patronising cunt… Is belittling a simpleton meant to impress us?

He then tried to make my mate buy something that was completely unsuited to his bike, and then criticized my mate openly for saying that he didn’t want to buy it. He completed his tirade by saying, “Why do you even need a rear brake mate? You’re going downhill mate, no need for brakes then, hey cob?” (despite rear brakes being absolutely mandatory for downhill MTB) and finished by telling my mate that he wouldn’t be able to take the rear brakes off his other bike and put them onto the bike in question (he successfully did what this retail douche told him he couldn’t do five minutes later when we got home).

What a fucking hero…

One of the things I absolutely despise about having to enter a retail outlet to buy something is the shop attendant attempting to sell me something that I don’t want, don’t need and didn’t ask for. It always used to happen to me when I was playing golf; I’d go in needing something (like a new shaft for my driver, because it seemed to break at least twice a year at one stage) and the golf pro would try and sell me a brand of shaft completely unsuited to my game. This happened to me two or three different times with different clubs. Clearly, it was because the margin he made on that particular brand of shaft was significantly higher than the brand I favoured. I didn’t buy his recommendation, and the net result of him recommending something to me that I didn’t want was that my opinion of him was forever compromised. He lost a significant amount of my business.

Another classic example is when you’re shopping in stores like Roger David where I’d assume the staff are paid on a commission basis; this assumption is based on some of the experiences I’ve had in their stores, whereby the store attendant would say I looked really good in outfits that I clearly looked fucking awful in.

“Aww, babez, that looks sooooooo good on you, you should totally get that with those jeans.”

And of course, the shopgirl is impossibly hot and despite you knowing exactly what she’s doing, some part of your subconsciousness wants (needs!) to pander to her nightclub make-up and too-short skirt, so you buy a whole bunch of shit you don’t like and will never wear ever again, only because you like the attention and the compliments she’s throwing at you, however disingenuous they might be. I mean, you know that it’s horseshit, but you’re out the door with a bag full of skinny ties & cowboy boots before you’ve got time to blink twice.

Anyway, I don’t want to see another fucking news story about Australian retailers doing it hard. Here’s a fucking tip for you – teach your staff to be courteous, ensure that they know where shit is and make sure you have some idea of what the items in your store cost online, and price accordingly. I don’t mind paying an extra 10% for something to be able to buy it in a store instead of online, but I refuse to pay $800 for something I can have shipped from the UK for $289.00.

Also, don’t be mean to retards.

/end communication